\\SiLenCenD-ShaDoW//

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The silenced shadow.....

I search for years, but i never find what I seek..
I wonder about the thoughts I have and the dreams I create...

The end result, I am, from the clash of darkness and light,
not defined by purpose nor bound by natural inclinations..

Fighting now for an identity, people scourn and jeer at my hapeless wandering...
Tempted to succumb to the bait of acceptence,
Lured by the sweet scent of easy rest I shall march on to that seemingly impossile goal I have.

Friends I have, but real are they, I'll never be able to tell.

Tales of endless friendship and alliegance of loyalties are always promised, but kept?

I do not want to know.

In times of fun, Games and glory they are there, when I'm needed they are there too..
But if I ever need them, will they still be there??

I don't know.

Visible I am only when required for tasks which dirties the hand or garners no worthy bounty.
Invisible I am at all other times of games and gatherings.

Needed, used and diacarded, that is what I have become for being too nice to insensitive
and stuck up fools.

On days where I'm not needed I always can sense a certain amount of disapproval from my surroundings.

My own mortal mother disdains at my doings.
MY own life I cannot control, My decisions often overwritten by her just by meer fact she's lived longer.

People say they know me well, but when the test comes all fall short and say I am too compicated and unsure of my being.

Mystery shrouds my life from strangers and curious by-standers

A stone walled sheild I seem to have, round a fortress that consumes the true me, never trusting never communicating.

The key that unlocks I keep near me.. No longer dangling to allow anyone in.

The phanthom that engulfed me is now one and true with me. Yet my fears remain and they stab at me with unchecked fury. I have accepted its fate and seem strangely comfortable to being alone and isolated.
But waiting, I am, for the one who shatters this isolating prison.

Death's once horrid stench has become a fragrent scent to me.
I await the day his gleaming blood-stained scythe and gaping, lifeless face visits me.
With reluctant resistance I fight the reapers taunt now, living to find acceptence, searching to quench my quest and lay rest to these haunting thoughts and fleeting memories...

The visible invisibilty I have become..

The Shadow wanders on..

Searching...

[]__^{MemorY Capsule}__[]
Thursday, March 10, 2011

You hear but never listen, You make me speak but hear only your own version.

You say I never care, but I've never stopped trying.

You say you love me, but actions tell me otherwise.

You say it takes two to clap but in fact, only one is needed to start an inferno.

You imply I'm always the one pouring fuel to the flames or throwing the spark to ignite it, You've always had to cool things down.

You say I never believed, but it is you who has never once, not in 3yrs, trusted anything I've ever said or done. If friends are so much more valuable to you, why have me in the first place? I've always been second fiddle to your friends, you say otherwise but prove me right time after time again.

You show care, but nothing that great best friends wouldn't provide each other with. You say, don't compare you with others but you always benchmark me with TV programs. You say you will try to consider that I am sensitive, but trample on me the very next day. I give in to you 24/7, and you probably I have to otherwise more flames will erupt, but in fact it it cause despite how you treat me, I'm rather fond of you.

When you are hungry, You have to be treated like a princess. Even when I had that accident, you remained angry till you realised I was trembling with worry, and even then remained all haughty. You insist I had my friend help, when the real worry was the money. You could not even see that. All my worries due to the accident were money related. You could not, or rather would not, even try to understand that. I wasn't denying responsibility for it, I was just trying to solve it with practical sense. The words you spoke tore through me like a red-hot blade through soft butter, from which, till this day I cannot recover.

I feel useless, hopeless & worthless. I never was a confident or rather positive but lately you've helped ensure the demons from recent past return to taunt me once more.

I showed you this blog and you just laughed. I know the way I write is a bit theatrical, no idea where I got this from but it is the way I write.

This relationship ended the moment I tried to solve the accident. I knew right there from the way you were behaving, we are not meant to be. We can be salvaged but I no longer think it is worth it. I'm now bidding my time. I will let you enjoy your birthday and the hurtful trip then I will end it for real. Hope you can understand. I will never direct you here, because you will only infer what you want and just justify yourself to the rest. How many sleepless nights have I had because of you. How many fights did you stress me with, as if I didn't already have enough from my work/school life. It is very tiring to be on the receiving end of so many unwarranted tantrums and yet have to bare the blame for each & every one AND quell the storm as well. It is tiring. You will never know because you will ensure you will never be in such a position. Enjoy your life and have a great time without me. I love you.

brakes applied at |7:31 pm|