\\SiLenCenD-ShaDoW//

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The silenced shadow.....

I search for years, but i never find what I seek..
I wonder about the thoughts I have and the dreams I create...

The end result, I am, from the clash of darkness and light,
not defined by purpose nor bound by natural inclinations..

Fighting now for an identity, people scourn and jeer at my hapeless wandering...
Tempted to succumb to the bait of acceptence,
Lured by the sweet scent of easy rest I shall march on to that seemingly impossile goal I have.

Friends I have, but real are they, I'll never be able to tell.

Tales of endless friendship and alliegance of loyalties are always promised, but kept?

I do not want to know.

In times of fun, Games and glory they are there, when I'm needed they are there too..
But if I ever need them, will they still be there??

I don't know.

Visible I am only when required for tasks which dirties the hand or garners no worthy bounty.
Invisible I am at all other times of games and gatherings.

Needed, used and diacarded, that is what I have become for being too nice to insensitive
and stuck up fools.

On days where I'm not needed I always can sense a certain amount of disapproval from my surroundings.

My own mortal mother disdains at my doings.
MY own life I cannot control, My decisions often overwritten by her just by meer fact she's lived longer.

People say they know me well, but when the test comes all fall short and say I am too compicated and unsure of my being.

Mystery shrouds my life from strangers and curious by-standers

A stone walled sheild I seem to have, round a fortress that consumes the true me, never trusting never communicating.

The key that unlocks I keep near me.. No longer dangling to allow anyone in.

The phanthom that engulfed me is now one and true with me. Yet my fears remain and they stab at me with unchecked fury. I have accepted its fate and seem strangely comfortable to being alone and isolated.
But waiting, I am, for the one who shatters this isolating prison.

Death's once horrid stench has become a fragrent scent to me.
I await the day his gleaming blood-stained scythe and gaping, lifeless face visits me.
With reluctant resistance I fight the reapers taunt now, living to find acceptence, searching to quench my quest and lay rest to these haunting thoughts and fleeting memories...

The visible invisibilty I have become..

The Shadow wanders on..

Searching...

[]__^{MemorY Capsule}__[]
Saturday, November 21, 2009

Im so very tired of my relationship.. I love her, but sometimes I feel it a necessity to lie to her to keep her happy. She is so hard to pacify, where as I just melt when she whines. She never ever listens to me, listens to everyone else around her and apparently loves her money more then me. So what am I to do now? Im really upset, tired and frustrated. Many nights I have lost over her. I wanna give up. Im alone, tired & hungry most of the time. I cant find solace & peace at home, at work or even amongst friends. Its not that I dont trust them, it seems to be a lingering doubt in my mind that information I leak will be used as a weapon against me. I have no idea how this mentality got in my mind and how it affected me so badly. I used to be a very happy-go-lucky person. Now a days, I'm somber, quiet and withdrawn. My church is more important then her, but she will not understand that. She cannot understand, or maybe will not understand how happy I can be when I work my ass off to help the church even though I do not like them as a whole. I've taken time and effort to tone my temper, my attitude, given up much fun, friends, family and time for her. I'm sure she has too. She says she doesnt need her friends, unfortunately I do and I often cant go out and enjoy fully cause she will always find a way to make me feel guilty and at fault. I'm lost, hurt and really tired.....

brakes applied at |1:05 am|