\\SiLenCenD-ShaDoW//

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The silenced shadow.....

I search for years, but i never find what I seek..
I wonder about the thoughts I have and the dreams I create...

The end result, I am, from the clash of darkness and light,
not defined by purpose nor bound by natural inclinations..

Fighting now for an identity, people scourn and jeer at my hapeless wandering...
Tempted to succumb to the bait of acceptence,
Lured by the sweet scent of easy rest I shall march on to that seemingly impossile goal I have.

Friends I have, but real are they, I'll never be able to tell.

Tales of endless friendship and alliegance of loyalties are always promised, but kept?

I do not want to know.

In times of fun, Games and glory they are there, when I'm needed they are there too..
But if I ever need them, will they still be there??

I don't know.

Visible I am only when required for tasks which dirties the hand or garners no worthy bounty.
Invisible I am at all other times of games and gatherings.

Needed, used and diacarded, that is what I have become for being too nice to insensitive
and stuck up fools.

On days where I'm not needed I always can sense a certain amount of disapproval from my surroundings.

My own mortal mother disdains at my doings.
MY own life I cannot control, My decisions often overwritten by her just by meer fact she's lived longer.

People say they know me well, but when the test comes all fall short and say I am too compicated and unsure of my being.

Mystery shrouds my life from strangers and curious by-standers

A stone walled sheild I seem to have, round a fortress that consumes the true me, never trusting never communicating.

The key that unlocks I keep near me.. No longer dangling to allow anyone in.

The phanthom that engulfed me is now one and true with me. Yet my fears remain and they stab at me with unchecked fury. I have accepted its fate and seem strangely comfortable to being alone and isolated.
But waiting, I am, for the one who shatters this isolating prison.

Death's once horrid stench has become a fragrent scent to me.
I await the day his gleaming blood-stained scythe and gaping, lifeless face visits me.
With reluctant resistance I fight the reapers taunt now, living to find acceptence, searching to quench my quest and lay rest to these haunting thoughts and fleeting memories...

The visible invisibilty I have become..

The Shadow wanders on..

Searching...

[]__^{MemorY Capsule}__[]
Sunday, May 17, 2009

Is it really wrong for me to have a day off?? I know she loves me and all.. I love her too.. But I really really need some rest.. It'd be good for us. It just came to mind that she once said that we should balance our time between friends, family and ourselves. I agreed. And well.. obviously it hasnt worked out that way.. We nearly broke up last friday.. It was my fault. I was having a bad day.. Had my head hit by a rougue door. It broke the legs of my glasses. I was pretty upset the whole day. But she didnt get it. She thought I was just upset over nothing. I know I'm sensitive. Too sensitive in fact. But what do you expect me to do? Thats just the way I am. I don't like it too but I know that if I weren't sensitive, I wouldnt be the way I am today. Heck, I wouldnt have attracted her in the first place.

So how? What can I do? Ask for a break in the relationship? Knowing her, it woud probably lead to a break-up. But maybe its the best option for us? I don't know. I'll play this one by ear and hope things turn out okay..

brakes applied at |11:24 pm|

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Screw my checklist. I just keep mending it so that she wouldn check any of the bloody boxes.

I don't know anymore. I cant get breathing room, she thinks every girl I know wants to steal me away from her. I mean, hows that possible? I've no time to meet them. I've no private space and no life of my own. She still meets her friends when she wants to and drags me along whenever Im free. And when I finally DO get some down time, she makes me fel guitly. Bugging me with calls which she knows I wont hear cause the arcade is too loud, or when Im just strolling alone at my F-Zones.. Doesnt she get it? I want some time ALONE. Completely isolated and ALONE. Its just the way I am.. Im not sure if Im hhappy anymore. I realised I don't know how to share. I've a great friend I can talk to but I cant cause she's always insisting on following where ever I go. Anyways, I realised that she following doesnt make a difference. I cant share at all. No idea why. I cant seem to trust people anymore. Im rather fed0up.. but what can I do??

brakes applied at |10:01 pm|