\\SiLenCenD-ShaDoW//

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The silenced shadow.....

I search for years, but i never find what I seek..
I wonder about the thoughts I have and the dreams I create...

The end result, I am, from the clash of darkness and light,
not defined by purpose nor bound by natural inclinations..

Fighting now for an identity, people scourn and jeer at my hapeless wandering...
Tempted to succumb to the bait of acceptence,
Lured by the sweet scent of easy rest I shall march on to that seemingly impossile goal I have.

Friends I have, but real are they, I'll never be able to tell.

Tales of endless friendship and alliegance of loyalties are always promised, but kept?

I do not want to know.

In times of fun, Games and glory they are there, when I'm needed they are there too..
But if I ever need them, will they still be there??

I don't know.

Visible I am only when required for tasks which dirties the hand or garners no worthy bounty.
Invisible I am at all other times of games and gatherings.

Needed, used and diacarded, that is what I have become for being too nice to insensitive
and stuck up fools.

On days where I'm not needed I always can sense a certain amount of disapproval from my surroundings.

My own mortal mother disdains at my doings.
MY own life I cannot control, My decisions often overwritten by her just by meer fact she's lived longer.

People say they know me well, but when the test comes all fall short and say I am too compicated and unsure of my being.

Mystery shrouds my life from strangers and curious by-standers

A stone walled sheild I seem to have, round a fortress that consumes the true me, never trusting never communicating.

The key that unlocks I keep near me.. No longer dangling to allow anyone in.

The phanthom that engulfed me is now one and true with me. Yet my fears remain and they stab at me with unchecked fury. I have accepted its fate and seem strangely comfortable to being alone and isolated.
But waiting, I am, for the one who shatters this isolating prison.

Death's once horrid stench has become a fragrent scent to me.
I await the day his gleaming blood-stained scythe and gaping, lifeless face visits me.
With reluctant resistance I fight the reapers taunt now, living to find acceptence, searching to quench my quest and lay rest to these haunting thoughts and fleeting memories...

The visible invisibilty I have become..

The Shadow wanders on..

Searching...

[]__^{MemorY Capsule}__[]
Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I'm completely lost. I've left school for good this time.. So many problems.. So little support.. I'm going to work soon.. Hopefully It'll help iron things out in my mind. So many times I wanted to break up, cause tt would mean I'd be free of relationships that I care about. That I truely treasure and value and love. Baby can't understand whats going on in my life.. She thinks its a simple matter of the harsh & hard lesson of letting go. It isnt. Its more than that.. I know she loves me and wants me to meet daily or at least be contactable.. But I cant.. I'm burnt out. I know now that I'm completely exhausted. I cant slp, cant eat properly, cant concentrate on stuff, cant control my temper anymore & I've lost reason for my drive. Don't know wh but I've just lost it.

I know how to fix it.. But I cant. Its like how a car has so much BHP but no way of using all that power. No use having 1000BHP without any means of transfering it to movement. And no use moving if there's zero control. What I need is the "traction" and "handling" and a "gearbox". I have the BHP potential. I know I do, I've even been told. I just sorta lost my grip on things..

Things at home arent helping. Did I say home?? I meant house. I've no more home. No more mom. She doesnt want to understand me. Nor do I want to allow her tt luxury anymore. I wanna cry.. But I cant.. I'm going to explode very soon.. What can I do now......

brakes applied at |2:03 am|

Friday, October 03, 2008

Thanks J for e advice!! =) Really helped me think through some of my problems.. I nd to learn how to share my problems too.. So thanks for lending me an ear when I needed it most! Haha.. Your right, F1 isnt overhyped as a sport but it was overhyped here in singapore... At least thats how I feel.. I wonder if the WRC can come and race here too.. That one I'd be more willing to watch... Its more interesting.. and the cars feel more real then F1.. But then again.. No place here for WRC.. Too much urban areas le.. and the areas that arent.. Just woulnt cut it. Been watching Top Gear ALOT lately.. Lovely show about cars and 3 cocks hosting/cocking about.. Its so fun to watch but sadly you cant watch it without SCV and Im not even sure they have the program. Gotta wonder though what those guys would think of S'pores boring car-scape.... They'd probably die of a heart attack!

brakes applied at |12:33 am|