\\SiLenCenD-ShaDoW//

Click on the lights and wheels to navigate.

The silenced shadow.....

I search for years, but i never find what I seek..
I wonder about the thoughts I have and the dreams I create...

The end result, I am, from the clash of darkness and light,
not defined by purpose nor bound by natural inclinations..

Fighting now for an identity, people scourn and jeer at my hapeless wandering...
Tempted to succumb to the bait of acceptence,
Lured by the sweet scent of easy rest I shall march on to that seemingly impossile goal I have.

Friends I have, but real are they, I'll never be able to tell.

Tales of endless friendship and alliegance of loyalties are always promised, but kept?

I do not want to know.

In times of fun, Games and glory they are there, when I'm needed they are there too..
But if I ever need them, will they still be there??

I don't know.

Visible I am only when required for tasks which dirties the hand or garners no worthy bounty.
Invisible I am at all other times of games and gatherings.

Needed, used and diacarded, that is what I have become for being too nice to insensitive
and stuck up fools.

On days where I'm not needed I always can sense a certain amount of disapproval from my surroundings.

My own mortal mother disdains at my doings.
MY own life I cannot control, My decisions often overwritten by her just by meer fact she's lived longer.

People say they know me well, but when the test comes all fall short and say I am too compicated and unsure of my being.

Mystery shrouds my life from strangers and curious by-standers

A stone walled sheild I seem to have, round a fortress that consumes the true me, never trusting never communicating.

The key that unlocks I keep near me.. No longer dangling to allow anyone in.

The phanthom that engulfed me is now one and true with me. Yet my fears remain and they stab at me with unchecked fury. I have accepted its fate and seem strangely comfortable to being alone and isolated.
But waiting, I am, for the one who shatters this isolating prison.

Death's once horrid stench has become a fragrent scent to me.
I await the day his gleaming blood-stained scythe and gaping, lifeless face visits me.
With reluctant resistance I fight the reapers taunt now, living to find acceptence, searching to quench my quest and lay rest to these haunting thoughts and fleeting memories...

The visible invisibilty I have become..

The Shadow wanders on..

Searching...

[]__^{MemorY Capsule}__[]
Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Why must you always hurt my feelings? I know I am slow and stupid when doing things and sometimes I just want things my way but why can't you ever understand that I just need support. I'm sick of life as it is right now. You once said you can never see things from my point of view because you are not me but yet you expect me to always see things your way. I really want to break up with you. I'm not really happy anymore but sadly, you can't seem to tell. Really confused now.

brakes applied at |7:21 pm|

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Here we go again.. It's often things like this that make me feel so insecure around you. You are not the only one who has to feel secure. Just because you are a girl does not mean you can behave in this manner. I have feelings, thoughts and opinions too.

brakes applied at |11:46 pm|

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

It's weird.. I was forced to used my baby's 3GS for my work due to the ease of removing the camera and converting it into a "secured" cam-less model. It contained a wealth of information which I ended up accessing.

Just had to read the conversations between my girl and her then best friend, whom I never really managed to like..
Reading it, it occurred to me that she never had a good impression of me. Then again, thinking back, I was never ever too nice around her either. Didn't help that the things my girl shared about me to her were largely bad and in times of arguments. My girl said I wasn't gentlemanly enough, I half-jokingly retorted that there was no need for me to be one as she was no lady herself. However, thinking back, I guess I do sorta owe her an apology. I still don't like her though, but I guess I owe her that much. Didn't manage to finish reading the logs.. It dates back to 2011 and with the way they chat, its a couple thousand posts. I feel abit hurt reading the posts still.. Guess I am a sensitive old ass afterall.. But I did realise something.. Humans are so easy to manipulate. Show them a front that you want enough and eventually, that's what they will take you to be. Never really bothering find out who you really are.

brakes applied at |11:21 pm|

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I am so lost.. EVERY thing I do is wrong. I cannot do anything right. I feel as though I don't belong on this planet anymore. I got to thinking, I am sent to earth, to be, for a reason.. Could that reason simply just to be a toy, a joke that has now expired. So as with anything expired, maybe it is time to just get rid of it. I've no friends to talk to. I have ensured it so. I no longer trust anyone with any information that could, even remotely, be used against me in any way, shape or form. People often think they can observe me, but they observe only the shell which isn't who i really am. I no longer have the energy to carry on.....

brakes applied at |12:33 am|

Sunday, March 11, 2012

No idea who I am anymore.. My happiness feels so hollow and fleeting.. Just so sick of everything. Now i'm beginning to wonder if you even know who i am. You never once seem to actually care for me.

brakes applied at |12:53 pm|

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My happiness was never anyone's concern. Never once was, never will be. It will always be a case of "if you are like this, then you will be that". Never once has anyone stopped to think about my feelings. Its always do this since you love her, do that to become successful, follow me to be a successful person. "Do things MY way. Your way is perpetually flawed and wrong in every way, shape and form." I feel so shut out from my own way, who i am.. I don't know anymore. What i do is always wrong, all my feelings are negligible, all my thoughts for naught. Maybe someone should just implant a collar. Since all everyone wants is for me to follow their way.

brakes applied at |11:25 pm|

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Why do you have to treat me like this? EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME you promise to inform me where you are, you fail to. EVERY single bloody fucking time you go out with friends, you forget me. I'm no where in your mind. When I'm alone with you, you have to bring your friends along via mobile phone. I'm so lost. Seems my whole life now is to just quietly tag along and keep you happy. My happiness has long taken the back seat and now i will follow suit.

brakes applied at |9:36 pm|